Right now, it’s a Wednesday night exactly 8 days before my world could change completely in a great way or it could go down hill really quickly. It’s safe to say that my amount of sleep has been less than the good ol’ docs recommendations, but sadly nothing I’ve done has helped. Let’s just say that my life the past 3 years has been nothing short of Hell, from almost losing my dad to him getting unemployed. Oh, and did I fail to mention I’m also in college trying to make it on my own taking as many cues from Lorelei Gilmore and Meredith Grey as possible, but let’s face it Shonda Rhymes is not writing my life even though it sure feels like it.
On nights like this when I’m studying, and trying to get my life at least a little bit together my mind wonders, why God? Why has all this happened? Why is this such a pivotal moment in my future? As this train in my head is chugging away, a song comes on my Pandora and it exclaims:
“Thy will be done, I know you’re good, but this don’t feel good right now..”
I stop. Breathe. And meditate on those words.
“I know you’re good”. Deep down I’m thinking, “Do I really think you are good Lord?” After all that has happened are you really, Good? What have you done to hold the title of good in my eyes? I know what y’all are thinking, man this girl is such a negative Nancy, but it’s okay I promise this ends in a happy(er) ending! The longer I listen to this song I feel the Lord saying, “Rebecca, let me take this. I know it feels like all hope is lost, but I’ve got this” WOW.
Sometimes we don’t get life the way we pictured. It’s just the fact of life that sometimes we are going to struggle. It’s what makes life the roller coaster that thrills us with every twist and turn, but when you really think about it as much as we grip those bars holding us during a hard fall we have no control over the speed of the car, or the height of the drop, or the amount of terror we face. That job is left to the trusted teenager making minimum wage at the control panel; scary thought right?
Well, at least in life just like a roller coaster we are not in control, God is. The God of the universe, the one who just like that teenager who is under appreciated for the miraculous love and forgiveness He has given us. One of the best examples of God’s will being done is the story of Esther. The orphan girl turned queen who not only rose to power, but rose to be a servant of God. So many things in her story didn’t add up until the very end when God used Esther as the instrument to save His holy people, from the smallest minute detail to the crowning of the queen God had His hand’s on the control panel of her life, and He has the control panel of your life and my life as well.
As I sit here, now Thursday morning I think back at that song that states:
Know you hear me. I know you see me, Lord. Your plans are for me. Good news you have in store. So, thy will be done
I’ve been there, I know what it’s like to feel like you have no cards left in your deck, and all you want to do is give in and ask God, why? That’s what I’m doing right now, but as I reflect on Esther’s life and the music playing in the background of my room all points are telling me to do as Esther did and pray. Pray for courage, pray for peace, pray for patience, and pray for God’s love to be displayed in your life. We are humans and we are such flawed creatures that don’t deserve a God who is so invested in our lives that He promises that good things will come to those who love Him (Romans 8:28 NIV).
In 8 days, my dad will take his boards again to see if he will ever be able to practice medicine again and the pressure is on. My life and my family’s lives could completely change in a matter of moments and that is a scary, but I chose to say to God instead of “why” to say “thy will be done”. I am 10000% sure that God loves me and I love Him with all my heart and I know that every step of this journey He was with me. When life got too hard to walk on my own He carried me, and held me close to his chest and said “I am with you, let’s weather this storm together.”
We are so blessed. No matter what is going on in life whether it’s a test, break up, or earth shattering moment I pray that we are like Esther and say “If I parish, I parish”(Esther 4:16 NIV), that whatever happens we trust that God’s will is being done and that He will love us through it. God’s love is bigger than anxiety and fear, it is bigger than unemployment and sickness, and it is even bigger than my own doubt.
I hope this will help someone else going through difficult times like me and they feel comfort in the fact that we serve a God who watches out for us in every situation and has written each trial and victory into our stories. He knows, He guides, and most importantly He loves us through it.
“Thy Will – Hilary Scott” – I highly recommend this song for those hard times when you feel God is far away, he is much closer than you think!