I have been married to my husband for about three months now. I know what you are thinking, she is still in her honeymoon phase and she doesn’t know the hardships of a marriage; but that’s not true. Growing up, I thought my family was perfect. But as I grew older, I saw the pain and frustration my parents were dealing with. I learned firsthand what it looks like for a marriage to fall apart.
Since I was thirteen years old, I watched my parent’s marriage fall apart. They became distant with each other; not talking to each other, not listening to the other and not being patient. Towards the end of their marriage, I saw them constantly fight and when they weren’t fighting they didn’t talk at all. I sometimes wondered if there was any love left in their hearts.
After they got a divorce, I began to come up with things I wanted in my marriage. I knew I had to be patient for the husband God wanted to provide me but I also knew that there were certain things I wanted to happen in my marriage. For example, I wanted my husband and I to never go to bed angry. If we had a fight, I wanted to talk about it even before the lights turned out. I wanted to be aware of my actions before I acted on them and I also wanted to listen to what my husband was telling me (fully) before I answered back.
When I met my husband and we began to talk about marriage, I decided I wanted to discuss those things with him. To my amazement, he had the same ideals as I did. The very first thing he told me was that he didn’t want to go to bed angry. I was beyond overjoyed that those ideals were exactly the same. As we dated and through our engagement, we had moments of frustration but we have never let it escalade into a full on fight.
Don’t get me wrong, there were moments I just wanted to yell and scream and I am sure there were moments he wanted to as well, but we both took our own private moments before coming and talking to each other about how we felt. I am sure that those moments won’t be our last but I follow certain rules to help me not explode.
- When I feel like I am about to yell, don’t say anything right away. Tell your spouse that you need to cool off and then you can talk. I usually go into the bathroom or into a separate room and take some time to think. I think about if my thoughts and my feelings are irrational or if I even have a valid point.
- Think about how what you want to say is going to make your significant other feel. Just keep in mind that your marriage isn’t a one way street. You are a team and you can’t both be right at the same time.
- If you don’t think the argument is going anywhere, let him/her have this one. Sometimes marriage is about giving up the fight on your end. Constantly going back and forth arguing will not get you anywhere. Especially if you both want to be correct.
I was reading in Ephesians 5:22-27 where it talked about how God wants us to treat our spouse.
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. NIV
When reading this I think to all of the feminists in the world or independent women who think that this is just an excuse for men to get to treat their wives like crap and not allow the women in the world to make decisions; but I disagree. God wrote this not just for men to be in charge, but also for women as well. As Christians we are to submit to God. That means, doing what He says because He is in charge. Just like that, we as wives should be respecting our husband’s final rule in what they think is right. This doesn’t mean that men are the only ones to make decisions either. A marriage means that the two of you work together on the decision. If you agree then fantastic, but if you do not agree or if you are both torn on a topic, the husband needs to be the one to step up and make the final decision.
Sure, most women would hear that and say, heck no. However, the way I look at it, is men have a higher responsibility. They have to love and honor you just like Christ loved the church. In being the head of the household, the husband needs to make sure that their decisions for the family is a decision that would make God proud. That is a lot of pressure. And personally, that is not pressure I would want on my shoulders. Men should be leading their wives and families in bible studies and taking charge to make sure that fellowship and worship is an active part of all of their lives.
I want to challenge each couple who reads this. Wives, respect your husbands. Love them and honor them in all you do like God loves and respects you. Let your husband be the head of the household like God commands him to be.
Husbands, respect your wives and love them like God loved the church. Take charge in your family’s life and integrate God’s word in your everyday lives. Lead your family and make the final decision but also respect your wife by letting her discuss major decisions with you.
To all of you, remember that you are a team. Work together and be patient with each other through the good and bad. If you are single and reading this, work on your relationship with God. Give Him the respect and love that you would give your significant other.
You should also read Marriage: Is There A Boss?